His Diary
by jakkiam
Summary: The book is about one boy's feelings. The entries are entries in his diary, which he writes in fondly when he's upset, but never when he's happy, because he simply doesn't know what happy means anymore.
1. Chapter 1

He looked out the window; the sun was setting. Hurriedly, he packs his things as he knew she was going to be home soon. Open on his bed was a photo album he made her, of all the pictures they ever took, with details of what they did on that day. Where they went, what they ate, what they saw and what they talked about; as far as he could remember anyway.

Tears rolled down his acne-ridden face, he stared longingly at the pictures wishing it didn't have to end this way. He put the things she gave him on the dressing table; it was too painful to bring them with him when he left. The cologne, the letters and the ring that they both had – they lay in a small box on the table marked, "Yours, to be disposed of if you want to."

He flipped through the pictures silently, looking at each one individually, trying hard to remember the day they took it; it was the last time he wanted to. The letter he wrote her lay in an envelope on the table, with some last minute scribbling on the edge: "I'm sorry."

It was not the ending he hoped for, not the "'til death to you part" that he thought of. So abruptly, so fast and so hard did it hit him that it was impossible for him to react any other way. Blocking things out was what he did best, but as hard as he tried, nothing seemed to work.

He hadn't been eating right for the past week, sleeping less than a couple of hours a day, and drowning himself in music and work. The desktop on her desk was playing The Way You Look at Me by Christian Bautista on repeat. The background was a picture of them before this, but he removed that and deleted all his files.

Now done packing, he stood up, his collar wet from the tears, and walked towards the door. He looked at the room for one last time. Out the window, kids were being called in by their parents; it was getting dark very soon. The photo album lay on the table, underneath all the other things he left behind for her. He still didn't want it to end, but he knew her mind was made up. Shutting the door behind him, he took his slow walk home, as he always does. This time, however, there was no one telling him to get home safe, and no one keeping him company via sms.


	2. Chapter 2

He opened his drawer of sorts to keep a little booklet he got from the musical he attended the other day. The key was nowhere to be seen, so he looked for a bit before he actually found it. When he opened the drawer, the smell of the scented perfume he got from a friend 4 years ago drifted out to greet him. It was alluring, inviting him to look through the drawer's contents.

On the top of the pile of junk lay an open envelope. In it lay a handwritten letter, smelling like her perfume which she sprayed on before she mailed it. It brought back such fond memories, and he slowly opened the letter to read the lettering in purple, her favorite color. He skimmed through the letter, her words as fresh and vibrant as if they were written just yesterday, as if they were still happy together.

He knew how happy she was right now, in school, with everything she's been up to. He knew that she was long over him, and that was a bittersweet symphony playing in his ears. It played over and over again every single day, and not even the happiest of songs brought him back to the way he felt when they were together: happy.

Looking in the mirror, he turned to his side and looked at the scars he's been getting from playing the sport he loved. It was a no contact sport, but chasing after the disc could sometimes be a deadly pursuit. He wasn't wearing a shirt when he decided to play the last point. Nor was he wearing shoes, so the injury on his right leg was aggravated further, and it hurt like crazy when he woke up the next morning; his first steps with the right leg these days simply hurt as if it'd been stepped on by a one tonne elephant.

The pain was an escape. He knew that he didn't get hurt on purpose, but loved the pain – it took his mind off things. He'd be on the road or out and suddenly he'd think about how he wished he could suddenly die, or be down with a mysterious illness and be bedridden soon.

How he missed her so. How he wished he'd stop thinking about her.


	3. Chapter 3

He had a pretty rough day, today. In college, he was all dressed up for this presentation that didn't go too well. A certain teammate pissed the group off. But what's done is done, he thought. He enjoyed the next hour and a half, with the knowledge that he should have been studying.

He zoned off into his thoughts for a moment as he tried to write an overdue article. Stacie Orrico's "I Promise" came playing on his ITunes, and it was dedicated from her. He thought about the lyrics of the song, and the promises he made her, and of the ones she made him.

He had no clue why this five month relationship had such a lasting impression on him. No clue on why everything reminded him of her, no clue of why it's already been three months and why she's still on his mind.

Fresh on his thoughts as if she _never_ left.

It hurt to hear these songs being played, as much as it hurt to hear Fall For You on the radio every time he was in the car. His exams were in a couple of days time, and he was nowhere near ready. Terrified as he was, it did not seem to sink into him, as he still wasted his time on trivial matters like the new Call of Duty game he borrowed.

He couldn't help it. It took his mind off her. Off the thoughts he had of how alone he was in the midst of a crowd, of friends he knew he wouldn't keep in touch with once his course was over. He missed high school because of this, because of how close everyone was and how everyone were in the same classes everyday.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Rekindled**_

"_Here, come on, it's this way."_

Jack brought her through another patch of trees and finally into a clearing. It was a green field in the middle of the woods, and spring brought fresh flowers dancing in the wind into sight. The smell of these carnations drifted in the air, as Elaine stood in awe of such natural beauty. Various other flowers waved lazily at her, as the wind brushed her long black hair out of her face. The colors, the butterflies and the clear blue sky: it was a heavenly sight to her, the total opposite of the concrete jungle she's been looking at every morning.

Never did she expect this when he told her he had something to show her. It all started a few months ago, when he said that they needed to break away from their hectic lifestyles and just take a whole month off work.

"_A WHOLE MONTH?! No no no, Mr. Kim would never let me. How would he survive without me?"_

"_Baby, I'm sure he has other personal stylists working as well right? I'm sure he can go one month looking not as fabulous as he does when you're around."_

He always had a way with words, and her strong feelings always melted away with his gentle touch.

"Come on, just you and me. It'll be a great chance to get to know you all over again. To feel as if we just fell in love. I know the perfect place, and we're going to drive there. Yes baby, drive, so that it's an unfolding surprise that you'll discover along the way."

She eventually agreed, and Jack wrote in to his editors to inform him of his absence. He made a comfortable living from freelance journalism – he had received his big break after his Pulitzer award for his article, "Change." And the job came with a great deal of flexibility, so taking a break was easier for him than for her, one of the personal stylists of one the most successful Korean actors today.

It was a long drive – he drove her all the way to the Northern coast, and along the coast for two weeks or so to keep her guessing, or rather, expecting that it was a beach. They camped along the beaches and stayed at swanky hotels when they felt like it, before hitting the road again. After another one week of what seemed like "planned driving", he eventually got on to the highway that led to Yellowstone National Park. That was his big surprise – he knew that she spent her summers when she was a child camping out in the woods, it was her favorite past knew how much she loved it, and how long it's been since she's gone camping.

"It's perfect." Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she hugged him as tightly as she could.

They spent the last one week of their holiday in a cabin by the lake, a stone's throw away from the field of flowers. They went fishing, had long walks in the woods and enjoyed picnics right in the middle of the large field. They talked and talked non-stop for hours on end, and when they weren't talking, they just enjoyed each other's company, from the simplest gestures of holding hands and light pecks on the cheek.

The strained relationship that they've been facing suddenly rekindled as if a sudden dose of love was injected into their hearts, into their every action when they were with each other. He was glad he didn't give up when it went wrong. He knew, she was the one, that she was worth whatever he could do to keep her.


	5. Chapter 5

He sort of patched things up with her. He found it weird to be saying hi to her parents and not her, and it seemed weirder later on when they were messaging; it was as if they were getting to know each other all over again. He knew it was an illusion: a perception his mind was forming in hopes of rekindling the love. She was well over him, but the same couldn't be said for him.

He was still hurting inside, and messaging her was so bittersweet. He liked talking to her again; but he hated the fact that it just makes it so much harder for him to get over her. A cousin's wedding did he attend. Where 80's love songs, dedications from friends and vegetarian food made up the wedding. It was subtly sweet, yet just at the right amount to make him feel so alone. It was beside a lake, and the view was simply spectacular.

It made him feel so, alone. It was so romantic: the view, the songs, the couple, the dedications. So romantic it'd make you want to call your girlfriend and tell her you love her more than anything else, and that you'd make her the happiest woman on earth.

Alone, so alone.


End file.
